How
to Raise Compassionate Kids, Rather than Serial Killers
Are
You Raising a Serial Killer? -How
to Instill Love and Compassion in Your Child.
I
am sure the parents of any serial killer never planned on their child
becoming a killer. Watching him take his first steps was innocent
enough. What went wrong? How can you be sure that your child will
not end up with similar ominous traits? After having 4 children I
have learned a few lessons. I watched some of my nieces and nephews
get into the wrong crowds. I watched the types of things that made my
child's personality excited and disappointed. I watched as each child
achieved their own small successes and talents. I have seen
depression and elation. The following is a list of the some of the
most important things you can do to ensure your child grows up happy,
healthy and compassionate. Therein lies the key, compassion.
Compassion
- Empathy and compassion are highly important lessons for a child to
learn. If they have no empathy for others, they don't care what
happens to their fellow man or woman. Where do they learn to be good
mothers or fathers? How do they know what is expected of them in
society? Many people get married young and learn how not to act as
they go, sometimes ending in divorce or abusive relationships. This
can be avoided. Empathy must be taught. There are many ways for a
child to learn empathy and compassion.
Role
play can be an important teaching tool. The value of being in
someone else's shoes allows the child to feel what the other is
feeling. If your child has the opportunity to play different roles
such as the good guy or the bad guy, the mother or father, the
friend, sibling, the animal friend, the big bad tiger or the innocent
bunny, they can relate to many different feelings. You would want to
encourage different roles and not being the bad guy all of the time.
Don't be afraid to pretend cry when the stuffed bunny gets smashed
by the stuffed tiger. Tell the tiger that he hurt you and you (the
bunny) need a hug to make it better. Change the play as soon as you
achieve this. Let the animals go pretend eat together. Engaging in
this role play teaches children the feelings of another. Make sure
you show happiness and excitement when positive actions are
displayed. Let the bunny dance. Let your inner child play too. Be
the example.
Sibling
rivalry can be difficult to deal with on a daily basis. Some parents
unfortunately use one child to teach the another a lesson. Where is
your line of “that is enough” or I draw the line here or there?
Children need clear direction. Is it okay for them to fight it out?
Are you playing referee too often? There are good aspects to
learning cooperative play. There are limits to one child hurting
another, mentally or physically. Children need to learn to choose
their battles and learn from them just as adults do. Is this worth
fighting for? Is this issue worth arguing over?
Is
one child more fragile than the other? Knowing your child's state of
mind and keeping up with their ever changing learning process has
great value. Is there punishment for going too far in play when one
gets hurt or do you just break it up? There
needs to be a balance.
If one child continues to bully the other into submission of their
own wants, this needs to be addressed. The bully needs to understand
that this behavior will not be tolerated. The second child needs
encouragement of what they allow another person to do to them. Maybe
their self esteem is low. My son would come to me and say, “I can't
do that” I would immediately say “Oh sure you can” You can do
that, no problem. I would give examples of how and he would do it.
All he needed was someone to believe in him more than he believed in
himself and he would achieve it. To this day he is successful in
almost anything he does. Are you showing more attention to one
child and not the other? Children pick up on your actions and
feelings. They will copy your behavior. Are you causing a jealousy
between the two children? Are you ignoring them?
Keep
them busy
- One thing I used to do is
switch up the day
as I would call it. The same behavior happens every time..., switch
up the day. Find other things to do that switches the normal
fighting triggers. Go for a walk, get into nature. Art projects can
be a great self expression for children. You can see what is on
their mind when you give them artistic freedom. Do they only use
black crayons and only draw sad faces? Ask why? These behaviors can
be because they like the color black but many clues like this can
tell you if there are more serious underlying issues. Encourage
happiness. Put music on that they like. Encourage fun. Children
need downtime too. Too much boredom and too much excitement are both
recipes for disaster. Reading can teach some good moral values if you
choose the right books for them. Read to them. Talk about the story.
If
you find you have competitive children. Let them compete in small
things such as a race in the yard. Try to find things that both can
win and both can loose. Keep a balance. Praise both children. It is
okay for one to be good at one thing and one to be good at something
else.
Be
the Example You Want to See
– Many parents hide their emotions from their children. Children
need to learn how to handle their own behavior. The best example
they have is you, good or bad. If they never see you cry or get
upset, they may have only the television teaching them how to handle
themselves. It is okay to be sad sometimes. On the flip side,
children don't need to see you throwing things, cursing or
badmouthing others. However it is okay for them to know you are not
happy at the moment but it is not about them. Kids don't need to
hear all of the details but parents get angry and sad too sometimes
and they can comfort you to feel better. If you hide your feelings
from them in turn they may hide their feelings from you. You can't
help or advise them if you can't see when they needed your direction.
Communication is vital. “Do as I say not as I do.” creates an
untrusting, angry at authority, worker mentality child as opposed to
raising a successful leader in society. One who is able to contribute
to the good of the whole.
Communication
– Check in often. What is going on with your child? How well do
you know them? Many times kids surprise us when they blurt something
out or they explain something. Where did you learn that? Ask, don't
beat them up for sharing their feelings with you. Discuss, teach and
explain why. Many parents don't think you should have to explain
reasons why to a child. The more equipped they are with the why the
more they value your direction. Showing them later that this could
have been avoided if they had listened to you, the more they see and
value your direction. They tend to trust you more. They understand
you are not just being mean but that there is value in your
directions.
Protection
– The level of strictness in a family is subjective. Do you want
to beat them up so they can handle anything or are you going to only
show love and let the world toughen them up? Once again balance is
crucial. If they cry every time a boss yells at them they won't be
able to hold a job. If they get angry and mistreat their coworkers or
boss how can they earn a living? If they let a spouse control their
every move, this doesn't make for a happy, healthy, long term
relationship. Showing love can be explained in many ways. Getting
to know your child lets you know the level of strictness they may
need. If they have heard you yelling too many times they may tune it
out. If you have spanked your child so often it will break down
their spirit and they have no will to achieve on their own when they
are grown and you are no longer there to spank them. As a matter of
fact they can become angry, even worse, silently angry. This can
lead to a kind of payback mentality. They secretly plan to make
someone pay for the pain they are feeling and this is dangerous.
Showing only kindness and letting your child walk all over you can
result in a spoiled child. When they grow up and don't get their way
they act out. So keeping this balance is so very important. We want
to protect them but you must set limits with consequences that are
not out of balance and show true love at the same time.
Protecting
your child to age appropriate things is important to raising a
successful adult. In this day and age we have systems we can put
into place that help to ensure a healthy mind. We can block
inappropriate television or internet sites. If our children become
desensitized to things that should shock us if it were real, they
will look for more thrill and shocking behavior. They can develop a
craving for more shock and awe in a negative way. Kids aren't aware
of what they can handle. They can't process those things yet. You
have to be the one that filters these things for them. We can
encourage game play that is age appropriate. Children's minds are in
a developmental stage. What are you letting them learn? What goes in
to their little brains comes back out at their world and the people
in it. Are they learning to fight from the video games or are they
learning to use their brain for fun math games? Are they learning
science at fun internet sites? Are they learning about dinosaurs or
are they learning to kill from the movies they are watching? You are
the only one to protect them. Help them to become healthy minded
citizens. You are the role model. You are the one that is in charge
of this. Keeping them busy with healthy child activities just might
keep them out of dangerous activities.
Playing
the Victim
– I have seen many parents never hugging or showing love unless the
child is sick or hurt. This can send the wrong message that they
only get affection if they are sick. The child will become sick just
to get their love and affection needs met. Some actually start to
believe they are sickly or hurt. I have seen kids act out in negative
ways to get attention and love from their parents. Giving and
showing love on a regular basis can prevent this. A bicycle wreck
that skins the knee of our little tough guy needs love. Check it,
give a little love, then tell them it will be okay. This is harmless
to do. This is their level of age appropriate trauma. Help them
through it in a healthy way. Calling them names never does any good
for their self esteem.
Belief
System
– When children are young we entertain and enhance their
imagination. Whether it is Santa Claus, the tooth faery, the Easter
Bunny, these things are outgrown. What is your belief system? A
better question is what is their belief system? If they don't
believe in God what are they believing in? Trust me, if they are not
guided they will follow a belief system of some kind. Do they see
their cup half full, half empty or are they grateful they have a cup
in the first place? Our abilities to help to give them a positive
attitude and self confidence will influence their attitude toward
life.
Do
you believe most people are basically good? Many parents become
cynical due to stressors they have experienced. Your child has not
experienced these things and may have a complete opposite experience.
Are you giving them unhealthy rules because of your life
experiences? Holding them back with too many restrictions may be just
as detrimental as too much freedom.
Trauma
in a child's life can be devastating and drag on emotionally through
their entire life. Bad things can happen to good people. This
doesn't mean it has to ruin their entire life. Talk about it when
your child is ready. Ease into it but be available if they need you.
Reach out to professionals if it is needed.
Developing
a good moral character and helping them to become confident is one of
the greatest things you can do for your child. As children get a bit
older and obtain more privileges to be in public and we trust they
are going to a safe environment, we let them go just a bit.
Encouraging them to not do things they will be sorry for later is
important. Reputations are important for social acceptance. They
don't have to be the daredevil. They need to hear this. They do not
have to give in to things others want them to do. Once again
communication is vital. They need to know you trust them to do the
right thing and that you are available if they need you. Role play
is also okay to do here. Ask questions about what they may do if
they were approached by others to act in a way that is unbecoming to
their moral character. Children need to be treated with respect just
as much as adults do. They need a sense of pride while thinking of
others too.
One
day I began to speak to my son after he was grown and he stopped me
and asked me, “Mom, is this a life lesson?” I was offended at
first. He laughed and I said “As a matter of fact it is.” You are
not too big and grown up to hear what your mother has to say.” We
both laughed and I did continue but made it a quick conversation and
told him “What kind of mother would I be and what would I do if I
stopped sharing and caring for you. It doesn't stop just because you
are grown. I hugged him and told him how proud I was of him and much
I loved him. At that moment I felt he understood I was not just
nagging at him all those years. I wasn't just being mean or a softy.
He got it. He knew I was looking out for his best interest out of
love for him. That is a small moment between us that I cherish.
It
is all worth it. It is great to see how they grow and how you helped
them become healthy, happy adults. Take time, check in with them
often, keep a balance, watch them, learn what they like and don't
like. Find out how they feel about what you say to them. Include
them in your life and protect them from the world until they can make
their own decisions. Take a stand for their moral character. Love
them all along the way and show it. Praise them and give positive
attention. Explain the why, have fun together, teach and be there for
them. Give them the tools to grow into someone they can be proud of.
You will not be sorry.
Let me know in the comments below what you think about this important topic.
Written
by: Kristie L. Foreman
Author
of Adventures of Petal Flower
Christian
children's book series.
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